emotional girl

Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to give up, and you wake up feeling like the whole world is against you? That is how I feel today. And I apologize in advance for this post because it is probably going to be long and depressing. But seriously, there have been a few things that have been building up inside of me for YEARS that are coming to a head today, and I feel like I may explode if I don't get them out.

First and foremost is my love life...or lack thereof. It is no big surprise that I am in love with a Peruvian, and have been for about 6 years. I can't say that our relationship has been the best...we have had many ups and downs. But I consider him one of my best friends and he will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart. From the beginning, my family has given me a lot of crap about him. They are very open about their dislike and it really affected me negatively. You know when someone tells you not to do something and you just want to do it more? That was me and my relationship with him. I have always known that we would not be together forever, but I guess I just always hoped that something would change so that we could be. I never talked to anyone about my relationship with him because I knew people didn't approve. So no one really has any idea. Anyway, to make an already long story a bit shorter, he recently moved back to Peru. I haven't seen his face for over a month, but we have talked to each other quite a bit. Not seeing him is killing me. Not being able to say goodbye to him killed me. So the other day I made a decision to stop hurting myself. I really said goodbye to him (via phone). I haven't talked to him for several days. And it is hard...

I think what is the hardest is never knowing if I will ever fall in love or be loved again. It took me 21 years to find someone who was attracted to me, so how much longer will it take to find someone else? Guy don't like girls like me. Sure, I think I have a pretty face...but my body is ATROCIOUS!!! And most men don't see past that. About a year ago I was the skinniest I had ever been. I was looking great! But nothing could change the way I was feeling inside of me. I am an emotional eater. And I let my emotions get the best of me. I seriously need to get a handle on my emotions, but am not sure exactly how to do that. So the cake decorating class probably wasn't the best idea... Being surrounded by cake = eating cake. Hmm...

I believe the reason this is all coming out today is because last night I did something I shouldn't have. As you probably know, my dear friend Sarah is getting married. It has been exciting to see her relationship grow, but it has been even more exciting to hear her wedding plans. She has been talking a lot about her wedding video and having a videographer at her wedding. It made me think about my brother's wedding video and how cool it seemed at the time. So I borrowed my mom's copy of the video last night and watched it. And it honestly struck a nerve in me. It made me think about life and how much has changed in the last 10 years. But at the same time it made me sad...or maybe I should say jealous...because I saw how happy they were in the video. And I began to wonder if that would ever happen to me. Would I ever find someone? Will I ever get married? I spent the rest of the night looking through my high school yearbooks and then reading my patriarchal blessing. I had this feeling that I might have missed my opportunity. Sure, I have made TONS of mistakes lately. But I am working on them. I am trying to be better. That has to count for something, right?

I guess what it all comes down to is my attitude. Instead of focusing on the negative I need to focus on what is more important. How grateful I am for the knowledge I have of my Savior and His atonement for me. He is the ONLY person who knows and understands what I am feeling, for He has felt it. He suffered for my sins. And He has promised that he will ALWAYS be there for me, cheering me on and lifting me up when I fall. He is the only source of true happiness. And I know that if I put my trust in Him (hard as it may be) that He will help me find the confidence I need. He will help me lose weight. He will help me move on with my life. And I know that if I change my life and do the things I am supposed to do that He will lead me to my eternal companion.

WOW...that felt good! And I am happy to report that I am feeling better already! I guess all I needed was to let it out. I am sure my family will chastise me for publishing this, but I don't really care. I needed it. And sometimes you gotta do what you just gotta do. Thank you for letting me vent and thank you for listening. I promise not to do this again for quite a while.

P.S. Comments stating that I am a great person and will find someone are not needed. I really am fine. Probably just experiencing PMS.