Warning: deep thoughts ahead.
I can't believe I am putting this out there. But I have to. You see, last week I turned 30. Yikes! That is a number I have been dreading for quite a while. It scares me. And honestly, about a week ago, this is how I felt:
(thank you Matt & Natalie for such an awesome and well-fitting birthday present)
(thank you Matt & Natalie for such an awesome and well-fitting birthday present)Everyone else I know that has turned 30 recently seems to care less about this and/or embraces this new age. But me...not so much. And this is why: 
(thank you mother for the spotting the greatest shirt ever and theme of my life)
(thank you mother for the spotting the greatest shirt ever and theme of my life)All of my 30 year old friends are married, with children. So age means nothing to them. For me, I feel like a failure for being 30 and not being married. No, I am not going to cry about it and I don't think this makes me an undesirable person. It's just a fact. And it's difficult for my little mind to grasp. I NEVER thought I would be 30 and unwed. I NEVER thought I would have to make goals every year to get asked out on dates. I know I am a great catch. I know I am a great person and would make a great wife and mother. I guess the boys just don't see it.
So, I had a little tearful heart-to-heart with my Branch President the other day. And he assured me that the Lord has a plan for me. As long as I am faithful and doing the things that I need to do, everything will work out like it is supposed to. Yes, I KNOW this is true. But mostly, it's just hard to keep that faith.
A few days later, I sat in my friends room while she made me a profile on LDSSingles.com. At the time I was humiliated. In my heart, resorting to online dating meant I was a failure. That I couldn't get a man any other way. But I let her do this for me (and then I secretly logged on a few days later and checked out some things).
Then the strangest thing happened: my birthday. I actually turned 30. And I felt strangely different. I felt relieved. I realized that I was so caught up in this number that I wasn't living my life. I had the GREATEST birthday celebration...with my parents...at Sea World. And it was the best thing I could have hoped for. A switch turned on. And things have been so different since then.
I am happy now. I am not upset that I am not married. I am trusting that the Lord will bless me when it's my time. And...I am getting flirts from guys online! I am embracing life, I am embracing my age and I am enjoying the little moments. I am actually putting my yearly theme to practice:
Today is a gift, that is why it's called the present. Yep, I'm old. And yes, there are days I will still struggle with this. But I have no doubt that things are looking up. I have no doubt that everything will work out like it is supposed to.
{come what may...and love it}
3 comments:
I love you Alayna!
Can I share with you a few things I have learned over the last few years?
#1-The grass is always greener on the other side :) When I was 22, I was obsessed about getting married (yeah you can laugh, we all know this :) and I let it take a lot of fun and good times from me. If I could go back, I wish I would have just had fun and let Heavenly Father worry about it because 1- like your pres said- HF has a plan for you 2- he wants you to get married but, 3- he is stretching you and you are learning things that you couldn't have learned any other way 4- maybe you are meant to be helping someone during this moment of your life. 5- Maybe your future hubby is being being prepared for YOU, so be patient and pray for Him to hurry up!!! j/k
i know it is easier said than done. It takes a lot of faith to just let it go and to hand it over to the Lord.
#2- Have fun being single!!!! Let me tell you- marriage is not blissful. It has taken Kevin and I 8 years to finally really start enjoy being married. It is HARD. Kids are HARDER. You trade in one set of problems for a whole new set of problems when you get married. To tell you a secret, after Kevin and I got married, we both wanted to be single again!! It was so much funner to be single than married. You have to check with your hubby to buy things, you then have to prepare for a "future" you can't just go do whatever you want whenever you want. You now have to think of the other person and put there needs before your own. Not to mention the things that could drive you nuts about them- and learning to love them with all of there "annoying habits" Just kidding, but It is tough.
Don't get me wrong, marriage is wonderful and you should defiantly have a goal for it- but it is not as blissful as it could look. It is hard work. There is a lot more stress when your married than single. So my advice would be- live it up! Forget about getting married and just have fun! Then you will be having so much fun that a guy will come sweep you off your feet and before you know it you will be married and saying- wait, why did I do this? Just kidding. Hang in there. It will all work out. Just have fun (I know I know easier said than done) but it will come when HF wants it to. Your a beautiful girl and it will happen.
"trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not upon thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct thy paths" Proverbs 3: 5-6
dear alayna, thank you for your sweet comment on my blog.
i'm glad you had a nice birthday and girl, there is no shame in internet dating. in fact, i think it's a glorious thing. the internet allows us to interact with people who share similar interests/views. without it, we are limited to our direct circle only and while they can be great people, it doesn't hurt to explore the rest of the world!
two things; some of my very best friends at this point in my life are women i have "met" only on the internet. i cherish these friendships a great deal and i'm so excited to finally get the opportunity to meet these women in november (in arizona!). we're traveling from all over the world to get together!
second, i know several people who have met their true loves online. one of the girls met her now boyfriend on match.com over a year ago and they have literally lived 20 minutes from one another for the past several years.
he's out there and when you find him, you'll *know* .. for me, marriage is blissful 99% of the time but i believe it's most important to always turn to inward for happiness FIRST. no one will ever love you the way you're capable of loving yourself and it will be a lot easier for someone to love you when you love yourself first.
keep us updated!
First of all, thank you to the sweet ladies that commetted. You both are very insightful and have given me a new perspective.
Second of all, Alayna, I know you were meant to be a part of my life and for that I am grateful that you are living the single life with me!
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