Sadness

I know I promised more updates and exciting info in my last post, but pretty much since that time my world has been turned upside down. I feel so sad and numb right now, that I can’t find it in myself to do much of anything. It’s hard to go to work everyday. It’s hard to keep a smile on my face. I just want to burst into tears at any moment and it is taking everything I have to keep it inside of me. So, here is the story, and I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable…

About 5 years ago I met a boy in Arizona named Pepe. He quickly became my best friend and eventually a boy I fell in love with. We have been good friends ever since then and still remain close. Our relationship has been on again/off again. He never was a very good boyfriend, but I have always cared about him. He is a boy with a lot of potential to be amazing, but he just can’t seem to get himself away from bad influences. I guess I should mention that he is from Peru, so he has Latino tendencies. And like most Latinos in the United States, he is not exactly legal. He has had his share of run-ins with the law, but has never had anything really serious happen to him. Well if any of you know the Nazi Joe Arpaio (Sheriff) in Arizona, you know that his whole goal in life is to get rid of the illegals in our state. Without giving too much information away, my best friend got in trouble with the law and is now in jail. I got a call from the jail on Thursday night informing me of his status. He has a court date on Thursday and will probably be deported. The thing that sucks the most is that he has not been able to get in touch with me. He cannot call a cell phone and can only call a land line. He does not have my home number memorized. I have been in contact with his cell mate’s sister who has asked me for my home number and everyday I wait by the phone for that call. As of today, I still have not talked to him. I tried to go to the jail yesterday to visit him, but apparently illegals are “nobodies” and do not get the privilege of receiving visitation and do not even get documented as a person who is being held at the jail. My heart aches right now. I miss my boy! I need to talk to him. I need to know if he is ok. I need to know when his court is because that will be the only opportunity I get to see him ever again. I need to say goodbye to him. I need closure.

The truth is this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me and him. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts (the one with the 20 years ago, etc on it), I had a goal to get rid of him this year. I know he is not the “one” for me. I know I would not be happy with him. I guess Heavenly Father just knew that I would never be able to let him go, so He took him from me. I am not bitter. I know it needed to happen. I know my life will move forward without him, and I will probably be happier in the long run. It’s just so hard right now…

Ok, that’s enough of my rantings. Besides, I am starting to cry and I don’t really want anyone to see me doing that at work. I will post more later if anything changes or if I hear from him. Please just pray for both of us. Thanks!